{I wish}

I should be doing laundry right now.

I should be cleaning out the fridge from last weeks leftovers.  I should be washing my couch slip covers. I should be going on a run.  But mostly I should be sleeping {something I have missed for the past 8 months}. I should be doing all of these things, but instead I am blogging at 11:41 pm.

I am blogging to keep my sanity.  I am blogging to hold onto that last shred of time that is still all mine. I am blogging to keep myself from going into Lil W’s room where he has been crying for the past 45 minutes.  This may sound harsh to some of you so let me give you a little background. 

Tomorrow is Baby W’s 8 month birthday and in all 8 of those months he has never once slept through the night–not even close.  And yes, I blame myself.  I have read every book, browsed every website, and attempted every “sensitive” approach possible. Nothing has worked. Then, after a long talk with a close and honest friend (and mommy-in-training as well), I realized what I was doing wrong.  

I have been so busy hanging on every word of all the advice given by every mom I know AND trying out all the methods they have suggested, that I failed to focus on just ONE method until it worked.  And tonight that method is the “cry it out method”–and it is killing me. 

It is taking every shred of strength I have to not go scoop him up until his sobs subside.  Just think big picture, I keep telling myself.  You don’t want to have to get up with him every night for the next three years, I remind myself.  This is whats best for him, right?

And its questions and thoughts like these that plague a mommy-in-training.  This is something they don’t prepare you for when you are pregnant.  No one tells you that you will feel like the biggest failure and the biggest success at the same time.  No one tells you that you will feel helpless when you don’t have all the answers.  No one tells you of the overwhelming fear and anxiety you will have for your little one’s health and future.  No one tells you that you will feel incompetent when you compare yourself to other new moms you know.  No one tells you about the guilt you will have when you lose your patients. All anyone tells you is that this will be the hardest thing you ever do.  And now you know what that really means.
And then just when I think that I have nothing left to give, I remember this:
and this
and this
Then I do my best to snap out of it and remind myself of a saying I have heard often:

 “Nothing worth having comes easy”. 
“What You Do Matters”

And I can tell you that, for me, there is nothing more worth having than my little family.

-ashley (Little Miss Momma-In-Training)